Badpuppy Gay Today

Monday, 22 September 1997


The Wave of the Future?

By The Homosexual Hoot


If you're like 99% of the people in this dreary old world, there's every good reason for you to abstain from sex.

For instance:

YOU'RE PROBABLY UGLY. Most people are. Most people look like the Reverend Jerry Fartwell or Phoolass Schafley. They have double chins, protruding stomachs, big noses, shriveled tits and malformed genitals.

It's utterly amazing how many ugly people reproduce their kind and it would be a service to The Goddess of Beauty if the uglies were sterilized at birth. But since most of them would probably squawk about such draconian means, the best we can hope for is abstinence.

Hence, the social doctrine of Radical Chastity, the one true answer for our times.

YOU CAN BE CELEBATE & SANE. We all know celebate nuns who think they're married to Jesus. They're fooling themselves. If you wish, like they do, to abstain from genital geniality, it isn't necessary to convince yourself of such nonsense. In fact, the less you use your imagination, the better off you'll be.

What must you do instead? Its simple. Just face your deepest fear squarely, namely the fear that you'll be rejected again. It's true--you probably will be rejected. You know how very regular and how very painful rejections can be.

Nobody likes to be told, "Get lost! I don't want your pee pee in my ho ho!" The one surefire way to avoid such embarrassment and sorrow is to give up sex forever.

Impossible, you say? Not at all. The Virtues Czar, William Bennett, believes in abstinence. He says it should be taught in every public school. Those of us who preach Radical Chastity fully agree with him, though we know that President Clinton doesn't agree.

But Ronald Reagan agreed. If we had another fine President like Ronnie, those of us who might otherwise foolishly breed could look forward to growing old without a lot of ugly children and grandchildren bothering us for hand-outs. The whole country could just quietly and peacefully fade out of existence.

ABSTINENCE SAVES MONEY. You won't have to buy toothpaste or deodorant anymore. You won't need to be "kissing sweet" or smelling like a Brut. You'll have no finicky lover to check on you so you can save on laundry bills by changing your jockey shorts once a month.

ABSTINENCE SAVES TIME. Since you won't be caught up in that awful competitive rush to be handsome or pretty, you can let your natural ugliness take over, leaving you plenty of time free from the obligation to groom yourself. Why clip nose hairs, for instance? Why dress to kill? With no lover to impress, you can wear cheap, loose-fitting garments to hide that huge ass you'll grow when you eat your way to ecstasy.

FREEDOM TO BE FAT. The doctrine of Radical Chastity gives each person the right to eat incessantly and foresees a future species that rivals in size the nearly extinct whale.

The word "beauty" will signal thunderous thighs, quadruple chins and broken bathroom scales. The citizen to be admired will be the one of whom others will say, "Nobody in his right mind would want to go to bed with him (or her). Radical Chastity teaches that a well-proportioned body is a grim temptation and must be avoided at all costs.

POLITICAL & SOCIAL BENEFITS. Every gay Neo-Con and every conservative Republican will appreciate the absolute genius of Radical Chastity for solving the major social and political disputes of our day. Some of them are enumerated as follows:

Abortion: There will be no "mistakes" because there will be no sex.

Sex Education: There will be no sex education in public schools because there will be no schools, because, thank God, there will be no children.

Birth Control: Every Neo-Con and Republican stuffshirt knows how very nasty and gooey condoms are. In a society governed by the ethic of Radical Chastity, ACT UPers who distributed them in churches would be tried by a jury of their queers and publicly castrated.

Teen Pregnancy: The proper response to pregnancy in an ethically chaste society is always the same, whether dealing with an adult mother-to-be or with a teen who is pregnant. Since abortion is murder, there will be no abortion. Instead, all pregnant women will be guillotined, their executions well-deserved punishments for gross lust.

Homosexuality: Radical Chastity wisely reverses the current ban against blood donantions by homosexuals. It gives all homosexuals the right to be homosexual in a chaste society provided that they do donate blood---as once recommended by Senator John H.P.Chandler: EVERY LAST DROP OF IT!

Porn: Any reference to affection (which leads to fornication) must be expunged from all books, movies, and TV dramas. Starting with Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet, even the kiss must be banned. A radically chaste society will learn from such pioneers as the Ayatollah Khomeini and will insist that any woman who weighs less than 500 pounds must cover her body in a bee-keeper's uniform. Any man deemed attractive will be required to wear a hoop skirt, lipstick and high heels. Holding hands, whether privately or publicly, must be regarded as a prelude to Ultimate Evil. People engaged in this filthy practice will have their hands removed. Those who have been apprehended kissing will have their lips sewn shut and will be fed intravenously.

CONCLUSIONS: Those who accept the doctrine of Radical Chastity rejoice that it is already becoming part of the curriculums of public schools. The Christian Coalition's call for abstinence is the very bedrock of the Radical Chastity movement. Remember Nancy? "Just say no," she taught us. People, young and old, must learn to say "NO" to sex.

Pattycakes Robertson of 700-Club fame, and the Godfather of the Christian Coalition, is much pleased by recent chaste developments. Likewise the Pope.

If proponants of Radical Chastity need to call upon a sacred tradition in the long history of abstinence, we have only to turn to highly spiritualized examplers provided through the centuries by the Roman Catholic Church. Its officials have given us indisputable evidence that God approves of keeping all pee pees out of all ho hos.

Even the philosophers of Asia concur. There are Hindu monks, little known to Americans, who have given up all earthly joys, especially sex. They have learned to have orgasms in truly radical ways. It is said that instead of allowing their sperm to exit through unmentionable parts, they can draw it, through the power of will, up their spinal cords and into the very centers of their brains. The sensation, they say, is much greater.

While this practice is ideal, it is also difficult. But as Radical Chastity spreads, rich Republican converts and gay Neo-Cons will import these Hindu gurus to teach them how they, too, can have semen on the brain.

In the meantime, if you wish to register your protest against the freedom to have the awful sex that has brought our society to such a state as it has, you will want to write your congressman and tell him to set an example. If he's sincere, he'll ignore his wife and castrate his offspring. If he's gay, he can donate all his blood. Tell him that you support the Christian Coalition's call for abstinence and that you are sure that he does, too.


By Jack Nichols, Courtesy of SCREW Magazine, P. O. Box 432, Old Chelsea Station, New York, New York, 10113. Subscription rates: 15 issues for $40; 52 issues for $80; 104 issues for $140.


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